One for the Road?

The English are very fond of their drink. If you plan on visiting Britain you might want to brush up on some drinking terminology, so that you can “fit in”, so to speak.

First choice to make is the choice of venue, usually at home or pub. Or more accurately where to start drinking, it’s not uncommon to start drinking at home, before going to the pub to get hammered, then on to a nightclub to get completely legless. Of course some people prefer to drink in the street, you can typically spot winos, with their drinks wrapped in brown paper bags drinking in public.

Drinks are commonly bought from the supermarket or a shop that specialises in selling alcohol known as the off-licence, or offy. You might buy some plonk (cheap wine) or maybe some alcopops (sweet-flavoured drinks popular with young people).

Image: Nicholas Tarling / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

You should try to arrive at the pub during happy hour, because there are often special promotions on drinks. In practice this may last longer than an hour, but when happy hour is nearly over it’s not uncommon for people to rush to the bar to get the cheap drinks. Don’t forget that the term bar is not only a name for a posh pub, but also the place where you queue to get your drinks. The person serving you is a barmaid if female and a barman (or bar steward) if male.

There are various levels of alcohol-induced intoxication, pick one before choosing your alcoholic drinks. There is tipsy (only slightly impaired), merry (happy because you’ve had some drink), getting blotto, pissed or shit-faced is usually reserved for those who don’t have jobs to go to in the morning.

If you are driving you will probably want to order a soft drink such as lemonade or cola. If you’re staying for a while you might order a refreshing shandy. This drink is half lemonade and half lager or beer of some description, usually served in a pint glass.

If you want to talk to members of the opposite sex you might need some dutch courage (bravery brought about by drinking alcohol). You might invite someone back to your place for a coffee (usually sex, but not always) or a nightcap (an alcoholic drink before bedtime). In the morning the person you took home might not be the supermodel you thought they were, in scientific circles this effect is known as beer goggles - people look more attractive the more you drink.

Drinks come in various sizes. Beer, cider and lager comes in pints (568ml) or half-pints (halves). The stronger drinks, spirits such as whisky or vodka (voddy), come in what is known as measures. Order a single, a double, a triple or higher. Ordering larger amounts than this is pointless, the bar staff will ignore your order and give you what they see fit, safe in the knowledge that you are too drunk to notice the difference.

Half an hour or so before the pub is about to close (technically known as chucking-out time) you will hear a bell, sounding last orders. This is your last chance to get a drink (or one for the road). When last orders are over, you’ll have a certain amount of drinking-up time, then the staff will be keen to get you out of the pub, shouting “Haven’t you got homes to go to?” and sighing loudly.

Somehow you will find your way home, regardless of how paralytic you are. You may wake up in the middle of the night with a telephone in one hand and a kebab in the other. Do not be alarmed, this is perfectly normal. In the morning you will swear “Never again!”. This resolve doesn’t last long usually and you may be tempted to have the hair of the dog (another alcholic drink in the morning supposed to cure a hangover).

I hope you have learnt some useful phrases and, as they say in the adverts, please drink responsibly.

This is Literally Hilarious

For some reason people find certain words more fashionable than others and will use them whenever possible. Literally is one such example and has recently become a word that is continuously being misused and therefore loses its meaning.
Out of boredom, the other night, I searched on Twitter for random phrases with the word literally in them to see how people use it in colloquial language. That gives you, by the way, a rough idea of what I'm up to in my spare time. Yes, they say if you have no life, you can't be killed, ergo I am immortal so it doesn't bother me anyway. Back to the topic in hand, there are two phrases that are especially funny and will hopefully make you realise that it is often worth thinking twice before you say something.

I was literally gutted

No. You did not have your innards removed. I can imagine, however, that some animals happen to be literally gutted every now and then and so are people if they are unfortunate enough to meet a psychopath with a big knife.

I literally pissed myself

Accidents happen, right? Then again I’m not going to believe that all those people on Twitter actually pissed their pants that day. As I was wondering about that phenomenon @BroughtonLass joined in, saying:

You need to recognise when people are being facetious or just talking slang (...) these are everyday people, not arbiters of the language. I hate inaccuracy too but these aren’t published comments, so maybe should be given some leeway?

I agreed with that, I shouldn’t have a go at people, but at the actual mistakes they make. Please, try to avoid using words if their meaning isn’t suitable. Remember, if something literally happens it really happens.