Misnomers

Misnomer is "an incorrect or unsuitable name or term for a person or thing". A classic example of this phenomenon is “koala bear”, in reality it’s not a bear.

In my everyday life I see less extreme, but more personally irksome, examples of misnomers. Why do people insist on using the word express when something is patently not. Microwaveable rice can be nuked in less than two minutes and quite deservedly earns the title express. Trains that travel in excess of 100mph and make relatively few stops also earn the express title. However, the Pizza Express restaurant that took 45 minutes to bring me my garlic bread in a relatively empty restaurant should have the word express immediately removed from their signage and simply be called "Pizza".

Tesco Express stores also vary greatly in terms of how quickly you get served. Similarly with express checkouts at supermarkets. Some supermarkets are aware of this fact and refer to these checkout lanes as "basket only". Others mark theirs with a sign saying something along the lines of "10 items or less". There is always someone who will have eleven or twelve items and spoil it for the rest of us. The pedantic amongst you will know that the correct phrase is "10 items or fewer". This is a grammatical sin not quite as grave as the so-called grocer's apostrophe (where the sign maker puts in apostrophes for no good reason, e.g.  "Cabbage's £1 each")

Mild confusion can arise from other descriptions. I am always disappointed by the term "All-day breakfast" when I find that it only takes me five to ten minutes to eat it. Ah, I see now, it is available all day.

One thing that always makes me chuckle is the sign "Family Butcher". Instead of visions of a family-friendly butcher I imagine a wild-eyed madman with a meat-cleaver chasing a family round their living room.

There are government bodies that exist solely to make sure that we are not misled by advertisers. They randomly sample boxes of cereals and weigh them to make sure we’re not being cheated and send burgers to laboratories to determine how much meat they really contain. Their concern for our welfare does not yet extend to borderline abuses of the word “express”. If a well-paid job arises for a pizza-delivery time-checker I’ll be first in the queue to apply.